Why We Choose to Stay with Someone?

01/11/07

I have not seen this friend of mine for a while. We connected last week when she found out from another friend that I am back in Bangkok. While our lovely conversation going on, she told me about the story of her last relationship. The relationship that was full of lies, abusiveness and disrespect. I asked her why she chose to stay when she was unhappy. She said she loved him wholeheartedly and thought that he felt the same. But finally when the reality hit hard and she realized that what she thought was a fantasy, she walked away. After that we had a very intense but constructive conversation about why we choose to stay with someone even though we know all well that the relationship is built on lies, abusiveness, cheating and heartbreak. I have some good friends in New York who still stay in this relationship even though they are not happy about it and I always ask them why. As our conversation went on, I came up with 4 reasons.

1. You complete me.

I still remember when Jerry McGuire says “You complete me” to his girlfriend and I was tearful by this scene. Psychologically we tend to look for something that we miss from someone we love either personality, fantasy or love. I believe someone can fill something we are yearning for but the most important thing is we need to fill a hole in our heart before someone can complete us. In other words, we need to love and value ourselves before someone does. We need to be happy for who we are and being independent before we enter the relationship. To find someone to fulfill our happiness is like chasing our own shadow, we will never catch it. Once we love ourselves enough, we will realize that we do not have to stay in this abusive relationship because we know that we can complete ourselves with or without him.

2. Wishful Thinking

My friend told me the reason she stayed in the relationship for three years even though her ex always lied and cheated on her because she believed one day he would change. People always have a wishful thinking that someone we love will eventually love us enough to change for us. The fact is that if he could not change then, why in the world he can change now or in the future? I am not saying that people cannot change. I do believe people can change but when it becomes a chronicle problem and we have to try to solve the same problem again and again, why in the world we want to bear the same heartaches every time we try to solve the never ending problems? Shouldn’t we be happy in the wonderful relationship?

3. Stuck in the name of love

We cannot choose who we fall in love with but we can choose when to walk away when enough is enough. Love is always an excuse of people who choose to stay in the abusive relationship. In my friend’s case, if her ex really loved her, he would not even think of having affairs with other girls. He kept saying how much he loved my friend but action is always louder than words. He blew her off many times just to find out that he was with other girls; she cried and always forgave him. What kind of love when he was cheating on her with another girl? What kind of love when he lied about everything? When you truly love someone, your mind should only concentrate on him/her not someone else. Remember, someone who loves you will never make you cry, someone who make you cry is not worth your tears!

4. I will never find someone else

This is a normal mentality of a lot of women, in particular Thai women who have reached her 30s. They choose to stay because they are afraid of not be able to find someone else. They would rather stay in this abusive relationship than put themselves in the market again. The fact is that to stay in this no future relationship, they are missing the opportunities of meeting new people. There are a lot of people out there who deserve us. When someone does not appreciate our contribution in the relationship, we should walk away and take a risk with new people. In this kind of situation sooner or later, he would dump my friend’s ass anyway when he finally found someone he liked more. So before he does it, we have to be the one who dump his ass and be called a “Dumper!”

She said in retrospect she was glad that she finally walked away. It was heartbroken at first but it was the right thing to do in the long run. What she was sad was just the pictures in the past and all the fantasy that she created with her ex but at least she does not have to be miserable the rest of her life.

Fortunately, I always choose not to be in this kind of relationship. I would swallow my own blood than beg someone to stay with me no matter how much I love them.

My friend was a beautiful person with all great qualities I admire. So at the end I told her I was glad too that she finally walked away from that situation. There are tons of people out there who will value for who she is and what she is capable of contributing in his life.

And when the time comes, he will realize that it’s his lost not hers.

Tae