My Thought

 

February 23, 2002

Life is like a destiny. Something happens to our life is to teach us some lessons. We might not understand the reason behind that incident at the time we need it, but when the time goes by, we will understand what the reasons behind that incident are.

I had a chance to attend the Buddhism discussion meeting in the Waltham district on Tuesday 19, 2002. The meeting was a starting point that made the story of self-realization happen.

In the meeting, a beautiful lady shared her precious experience to other members. She got married twice but both of them failed because she could not connect with her husband and always found something to complain about her husband’s behaviors. After she had divorced for two years, she met her new boyfriend. They fell in love to each other. The same problems occured again and almost sank their relationship. However, this time, she told herself that she would never allow her relationship to fail again. She started chanting, studying Buddhism and looking deep into herself. Eventually, she found that deep in her heart she, herself, was an unhappy person since her mother passed away. Since she was an unhappy person, her husband reflected her unhappiness with the unpleasant behaviors. Finally, everything fell apart. When she realized her real problem, she stopped complaining about her boyfriend, in stead, she gained courage to open the sincere communication that she never did before with her ex-husband and let her boyfriend know what really bothered her and what she expected from him. When she was more open, her boyfriend understood her better. When she was happy, she treated her boyfriend better and in return her boyfriend did the same to her. It is like a cause and effect law. Her relationship with her boyfriend was getting better. After struggling together for two years, she just married again with the one she really loved last Saturday. She said that she never felt very happy like this before. It is very impressive experience; I remembered I was smiling when she finished her story. My heart was so delight and I did not forget to congratulate on her happiness.

After the meeting, I did realize that I had the same problem as hers. I was an unhappy and pessimistic person. Even though, from other people’s point of views, in particular, my friends, I am a wicked funny person who always laughs, smiles, teases and makes a lot of people around me laugh. However, whenever I have a moment with myself, I am overwhelmed with worries, and problems that make me miserable. When I go back and read the articles and poems I wrote, most of them are all about hopelessness, confusion and grief. Even though, I always help and encourage people around me to overcome their problems, I know that I could not salvage myself. Even though, I make a lot of people around me love and admire me but deep in my heart I could not appreciate myself.

I have practiced in Nichiren Buddhism for 15 years, whenever I had problems I would turn myself to Dharma and chant. Every time, I could overcome those problems. However, this time the problem is very different because it is not an outside problem anymore; this time it is my inner problems. It is my attitude and personality that were shaped when I was young. Something unconscious that sits in my mind and becomes a conscious but uncontrollable behavior. It is my great Karma that I have to overcome. I keep chanting with my great effort. I try to look deep into myself and have the answer for my pray.

I usually look at the problems from outside but I seldom look at the problems from inside. I know that I was struggling when I was young; therefore, I tried to help other people as much as possible. I did donate my limited resources to help poor people, students and charities because I realized how much pain I had when I needed something but I could not have it. I did volunteer to take care of orphan children and disable people because I realized how much love and attention I needed when I was young and how powerful of our hug and care to heal someone’s pain. I was an on-called and regular blood donation because I realized how valuable of one life to his/her family and friends.

Although I have done those things for my whole life, they do not really help me get rid of my real problems. I really started to look into myself.

Finally, I have received the answers that I have prayed for from that meeting. I realized that I have to learn how to love and appreciate myself before I can really love and help other people.

In this Buddhism, the key to transform our life is firstly to accept our Karma (the things that we do and accumulate until it becomes our solid behaviors and attitudes), then we have to determine to change it no matter how hard we will face in order to change our life.

We are the World, and the World is us. If we change, it is enough to change this world. Since we are the first one who initiate the circle of happiness, then our happiness will spread to the people around us infinitely like a stone that hits the water and creates wave after wave. Stop looking at other people’s faults but start looking into ourselves until we profoundly know and understand ourselves. If we really understand ourselves without any prejudices, the starting point of changing our life has started.

Our life and environment are harmonious; we could not separate ourselves from the environment. Our happiness or unhappiness will reflect to the environment. In our daily life, we are always influenced by the environment. If the environment is unpleasant, it will tend to make us miserable. We always have many conditions to be happy; for example; I always tell myself that if someone treated me like this, I would be happy and I would treat them better, or if I had this certain amount of money, I would start to be happy. Basically, we tend to let the happiness to flow from outside into inside (ourselves); however, practicing in this Buddhism teaches me to create the happiness from inside and let it flow outside to the people around me. It teaches me to create the treasure and jewel in my life in stead of relying on the uncertain environment.

Happiness sounds like a very easy word to understand but it’s very difficult for anyone to really have it.

Happiness might be right in front of us if we just reach our arms out and embrace it. If we put our happiness at the horizon, even though we might put the great effort to search for it, we will never find it because horizon is infinite.

Happiness of being with someone we love and valuing how important they are.

Happiness of embracing the people around us with care, gentleness and love.

In the mean time, we have to share the happiness to the people around us and tell them to realize the happiness in every moment in their life.

The real benefit of practicing this Buddhism is to change our attitude toward life.

I have discovered my problems
and I determine to change it. Although, I do realize that the way to change my solid attitude and behavior is an uphill battle, however
if I do not start it right here right now,
I will never change and grow. I will repeat my mistakes again.

Right now I am very happy; I do understand that lady’s experience now. When I change my attitude, the same problems I am dealing with are not the same; for example, the problems I used to think that it was too big for me are not that big anymore. Even though, I am struggling right now with working and studying together, I realize that only the struggles can polish my life and make me grow. One day, when I could get through all of them, I would be proud of myself.

To practice in this Buddhism, we do not have to lose ourselves but we have to change our behaviors and attitude. We do not have to be quiet and separate ourselves from the society. Our life and our faith have to go together.

I am still crazy, silly and funny. I am still pursuing my goals but I will not forget to enjoy the time that I am walking to my dreams. I am still a risk-taker who loves to surf my life, try a new experience and have a new adventure because I do realize that life is too short to be too defensive and conservative. To explore life is to open our life to the new things and to break up with our own addictions and fears.

I still go out dancing, partying, traveling, chanting, joining the activities in my Buddhism organization, going to the gym regularly, working and studying together. I will play hard and work hard as well. I promise myself that I will retain my GPA above 3.75 when I graduate this summer. Besides, I will continue my dream of adding the miles in my life, I am very fortunate that I have a chance to pursue my dream of traveling and adventure.

I feel so grateful with everything that has happened to my life; and I feel blessing that I am stronger and trying to change my attitude toward life. I will be happy with my life in every moment. I will not wait for something happen to my life in order to make me happy. I will build my happiness inside my life. Life is so short and uncertain; I don’t know that I would wake up again tomorrow. I will not be too worried about anything because if I do my best, the result will come out the best as well. I cannot change the past but I can create the good cause right now so that it will generate the good results in the future, like cause and effect law. Also, I promise myself to help and encourage other people around me whenever I can. The most important thing I promise to myself that I will change my own attitudes. I will sustain this attitude with me all the time through chanting Num Myo Ho Renge Kyo.

Live our life with kindness and compassions and be kind to the people around us.

The most important thing is to “GROW BEYOND OUR LIMIT”.

Tae (Kriengsak Athikomvittaya)