Forgiveness

03/02/04

One of my family members has just passed away.

I first heard he had deadly cancer from my mom two months ago. I
just did not really know what I felt, but I absolutely felt for his family who would lose their beloved one.

However, when I heard about his family, some memories kept flashing in my head. I am the kind of person who always remembers everything, no matter if it is good or bad.

I first remembered about all his and my families’ drama since I was very young. Although I was not directly involved, I experienced the tension and sense of being treated like a second class citizen. It was always
like a nightmare for me to be the part of that gathering because I felt like my family was mistreated.

I just could not comprehend then and I cannot now about human being’s mentality. I wonder, sometimes, can I hate or mistreat someone because of their economic situation even though he/she is my own kin. However, I know myself that I cannot judge or hate someone because of that cause. I think even the poor who come to my door, I just still need to help them, not even caring if they are my own flesh and blood or not.

Memories after memories still keep popping up in my head. Some experiences are told by someone I love and confirmed by someone who witnessed, in particular, when my house was burned to the ground and we had to temporarily reside in his house.

However, I know everyone is not perfect. It is not a black and white issue. A negative view in my eyes might not mean anything to other people since we are playing different roles and looking from different angles. Also, we might be involved in a different time and status. No one will not show his/her real color until the relationship hits the critical time anyway.

However, I do believe that to judge the cause of his/her life, we might have to wait and see how it ends. Everyone has his/her own sin to pay and I know one day I will pay for my own sins as well.

The pictures of my past are gradually disappearing. I am asking for his forgiveness, while I forgive and forget what always bit me. I just realize what the Buddha said, “Forgiveness is the best gift that we as a human being can give to another human being. The heart of the giver is bright and shiny like a mirror that is polished.”

It doesn’t cost anything but it means a great deal for me whether or not that person knows.