It’s been a long time that I have this feeling.-the feeling that I am clinging on something, the feeling that I am deeply yearning for. My head is spinning and my brain is not functioning.

All the silly stories are told by my own imaginations. The stories that I have all fantasized are created to traumatize myself. Worries that are not materialized and might never be. I always know that I think too much and too far ahead. I know that when the time come, my heart always race far ahead of my head. My irrational feeling trumps my own logic. I have been trying to hold it back, to get rid of my own silly story being told by myself and not to attach to anything because I know everything comes and goes.

My own ego is fed by my own bigger egos. The past experience has raised up my own nature of human self-dignity. The self-dignity is very important for anyone to value themselves but to the point when it becomes arrogance, it jeopardizes everything. There is not a single moment that I tell myself I loathe this sin.

The ego elevates the expectation level. The unrealistic pushy expectation of wanting things to happen this and that way puts people’s mind unrest. Some expectations that we put on someone’s shoulder, we cannot even do it ourselves.

Fear is the biggest obstacle to achieve anything. Fear of separating, fear of rejection and fear of failure, they are hindering my mind to take a risk- a risk that might be worth of my fear, a risk that might return a big reward. Fear makes people miss all the opportunities.

There were times in every aspect of my life; all those things devastated me. It came to the point that I promised myself it would never ever happened to me again. But I am still learning, I am trying to evolve and I am trying to understand my own mind.

I am not sure if I am attaching to my own ideal fantasy, the story I have been told, the self-created romance or I am just simply being lost into my own silly day dream.

But all the stories I have told myself are being erased and my own ego is shattering. Fears are still there and perhaps I might have overcome it or succumbed to it. Expectation is gradually vanishing. I realize that sometimes to own something does not make us happy but to let it go and just remember those good times I have can create a sense of real joy.

It is a very moment that I am walking away from something and looking back with a smile, even though I know I will not be able to own it but at least I experience it. The goddess of luck and timing is not always on my side.

But it is the sweet surrender, the sweetest I have ever had.